Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
