Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sext me about skeletons
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
