he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
bring money and cleavage
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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