My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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