k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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