Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
