some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need water and some morals
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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