Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
