At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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