Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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