Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
