My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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