3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
