hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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