she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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