I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just forgot I was standing up.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
