I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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