The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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