my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
