just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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