Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
