I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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