What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
