My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this just has baby written all over it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A+ Viking dick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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