Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
