I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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