i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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