Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
