i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
