apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
