today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
