Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
