Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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