I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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