hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
