I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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