I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
