Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
