When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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