I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
