plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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