On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
