he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
