Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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