a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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