I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
