Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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