What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
