Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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