He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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